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so i guess i have a bad habit of..

not keeping up with this site.
anyways, alot of time has passed since i last wrote.
Christmas just passed, it was not bad i went to Salt Lake City, Utah with my boyfriend to see his family
i got to see snow. lots of it.
my mom is mad at me for not going home for christmas, i went for thanksgiving and believe me that was enough with all her arguing and nagging i can only take so much.
things got complicated with my boyfriend while i was down there, things are better now but i always have these thoughts haunt me especially at night, i lay awake and think of everything he has ever done to cause me pain and yet i want to cry and yet i just want to forget it. its hard to forget though sometimes. but i hope things will get easier eventually. im still paranoid. but who isnt after someone cheats on you for the second time.
but yeah, im on break from school for less than a week then i start my winter class.
im excited about it. i want to bring up my GPA.
anyways thats all i can think of right now.


oh how much we can use this as a dream.

the city sleeps once again
alone in this place without a fear in sight.
walking backwards to prevent from falling foward
the careless sounds of people wandering around in the dark,
acting like they are in the comfort of their own homes.

we all lay alone tonight, without anyone by your side
without a fear of the dark, to let your heart break, you stay awake,
preventing you from seeing the light.

why can't you see that this is killing me?
that the dark is the scariest place to be, without this light on
i will be alone in the dark
till morning when the sun rises and a new day has arrived.
why is it that we cry ourselves to sleep?
like a lullaby that we have heard when we were kids
when we all know that when the new day comes we will struggle once more
that when the swallows of our graves is dug up, is when we see the light
the light that will carry us so far away from here
that we will never be able to return with any fear

our hearts remain as one, till we give it away
then it comes back to us in pieces that are left in shambles.
this city can no longer bare these cries
as we both walk hand in hand in the dark
the clouds above us and the cold wind hitting our faces
yet we still find no rejoice in the comfort of the night

we do not speak a word, just the cold on our lips and our foot steps on the cold cement
where i just want to lay and pretend that nothing is wrong with this world.

all there is, is this frostbit on my skin, and the sound of the city
all that can be heard are the nightmares of the night, keep us awake all night
letting us not find rest
keeping us tortured and restless

letting us know that the fear will never end.

i dont know what to do anymore....

i am 22 years old, and i don't even know who i am... i don't know what i want in my life. All my life I have been guided, Amy do this, Amy do that. I have never really been able to think for myself, or do anything for myself because everything was already done for me. Now i am stuck not knowing a thing about myself. Amy your going to be a doctor, or a lawyer, honestly, I DON'T want to be any of those things. i am completely lost...i just keep screwing up everything in my life, i can never do anything right. i feel like I don't have anything left. i seem to let everyone i care about down, i am a horrible person, and i will never be more than just a loser. i keep trying and trying and no matter what i do its never good enough for anyone, my parents are always upset with me, they always compare me other people, and it makes me feel like i am nothing. i am so messed up in the head, I cry myself to sleep everynight, i am miserable i just want someone to put me out of my misery. I just feel that i am not meant to be on this earth, this place wasn't meant for me. i feel that everyone else around me is happy. i dont know what it means to be happy. all my life i have felt, alone, and out of place, with friends or with family i can be standing in a crowd of people and still feel alone. I feel like i have nothing to relate to with anyone. i am always depressed, i try to cover it up by laughing or being funny but deep down inside i am dying. i am tired of everyone thinking for me, and thinking they know whats best for me because it isn't working. what is best for you ISN'T what is best for ME. i try to talk to my family they just keep telling me that its my fault and that im not doing good, or blame it on my friends saying i have bad friends when i dont even talk or see anyone. maybe once a month i actually see someone. its not them its ME. i am so lost and confused that its making me mess up. i dont think school is meant for me, i have been struggling since high school and things havent gotten easier for me. but i dont know where else to turn. i feel that i am just stuck, stuck in a hole with no way out. i am scared to talk to people, to even get to know anyone. i am so afraid of the world, its because ive never been taught how to deal with the world, and school isn't going to help me deal with the world in REAL life situations. there are more things to life than an education, school can only take you so far. but what happens when you get fired from a job? how does school help you? how does school help you from keeping yourself from committing suicide? how does school help you when you don't know what you want in life? there are so many things in this world that i will never understand. But all i know is that i am not going anywhere with life. I can't find a good job because i have school, and no one wants to hire someone who has classes when they want them to work. I moved away because i needed space, i felt that i was being smothered, and my mom and i constantly fight and i was always sad over it, i felt that if i don't get out that my depression would get worse, but no matter where i go my depression follows me, i don't know what more i can do accept hope for the best and keep trying even though i am burnt out, i am so worn out with studying my whole life, and not going anywhere with it, you would think i can find a job and be happy but i can't' i don't know where else to turn or who to talk to. i hate myself so much because i cannot do anything right, everything i do is wrong, everything i say is wrong, everything i think is wrong, i am so tired of trying to please my family, my friends, my school, my society because no matter what i do someone or something is going to ruin it. i just want God to come take me away, i don't feel that i belong here anymore and i don't want to be here anymore if my life is going to be heartache and pain, i feel so much pain inside, i hate not having anyone that i can relate to, i hate the fact that everyone tries to tell me things will get better when they don't. everyone tells me that i will be happy someday but nothing seems to be happening. my life is not going anywhere, i just think this world would be better off without me, i dont have anyone to talk to, when i try to talk to my family they just tell me that i am lying and that i am just a brat looking for attention, i just want someone to take me seriously for a change and realize that i am NOT okay and realize that i am REALLY hurting inside, i just want someone that i can relate to so bad someone that will tell me that its okay to feel this way that i am not crazy and i am not the only one. i just want to be happy. i need to get away from everyone and everything, i want a new name, a new life, where i can start over clean and fresh and find what i want in life. i am so tired of pretending to be something that i am not. i am tired of hiding who i am and what i believe in. i am so tired of people telling me how i can feel, when i can feel it and who i am because they don't know how i feel inside, i am the ONLY one who knows whats best for me and i wish someone can see that. someday somehow, i will be okay again...

i hope.

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December 2008


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